Today marks 5 years off heroin. This is a little thing I’ve been writing all week. Likes & reblogs are always taken as support. A lot of this is hard to write because not everyone knows some of it.
Drug dealers grinding into me or groping my thighs while I’m nodding out in the back of a car. Preying on naive people in my town - smiling strangers who handed me over $200 before even knowing my name only to have me disappear with their money and never call them back; those nice, strong-willed guys who said “don’t call me anymore I’m quitting after this,” but I asked anyway because the more they spent meant the more I could get for free, and they said yes every time.
The itching and wheezing in your sleep. My mom pulling me out of bed and throwing me into the shower with my clothes on to wake me up because I kept (unknowingly) gasping for air in my sleep and she heard it from all the way downstairs. Asking people to pull over so I could throw up on the side of the highway; sometimes they didn’t make it and it got all over the inside of the door. Being in the bathroom for like an hour trying to pee.
Significant milestones that a girl always dreams of - first kisses and first dates, first art show, losing your virginity, graduation, family vacations - that I have no recollection of. I know when and where they occurred… that’s about it.
Lost friendships and relationships, some of which I’ve only recently mended. When a close friend tries to tell you “I worry about you all the time, each morning when I wake up I wonder if you’re still alive” while your eyes are glazed over and you’re slumped over in his car but you push his hair out of his eyes and slur “shhhhhhhhh I’m really okay [nickname]!” You don’t realize how many people you destroyed simply because you made them so worried.
When your mom is crying and telling you [i don’t even remember what it was, something about me using] and you can’t even keep your head up and your eyes open, you nod off as you’re taking a sip of water. Being so malnourished your period just stops for 2 years. Being too high to even get off the couch or bed so everyone just leaves you there for hours and you wake up having missed anything that happened.
Rituals and picking your favorite ingestion methods and devices. The burn and the drip and that weird bitter taste you start to just love. The rewarding line after you scrape out the straw you’ve been using. The weird novelty of stamped bags. The cool wave of relief after the last light turned green and we finally left the city and we were on our way to safety. We got away with it again.
“Why do your eyes look so weird?” “Oh I just woke up.”
Accidentally getting caught up in the euphoria of the moment and telling your significant other you love him when you don’t. Or you love someone else when you don’t. Or you want to fuck someone else, or you want to fuck him (when you really don’t). Or you say you fucked someone else but you didn’t. Or you start hooking up with someone but you’re so high you literally fall asleep on their face (which was probably very awkward but I don’t remember it happening — i can’t believe I’m posting this, I can’t believe what a mess I was).
Speed balling and seeing double. Drinking and smoking on top of the usual doses and having to crawl out of the car and back into the house instead of walk because you can’t even stand (and all I remember is how unbelievably amazing I felt).
The invincibility wears off and there’s a point where it’s not fun anymore, but you keep trying to get back to that time anyway. That time of innocence and curious experimentation, before your friends start turning on each other and ripping each other off. Before it gets inside your head and you find yourself conspiring against people you love. Everything around you is deteriorating yet here you are, clinging to your bags, trying to keep your neat little package of lies and secrets tightly wound, begging people to not leave your side. A mere glimpse at you is enough to make someone you love cry because they see what you’ve become and they realize they’re useless against the monster you’re battling and they can’t save you with their own bare hands anymore. They realize that recovery has to come from within you, but do they risk waiting for you to get to it knowing you could very well die before it happens?
Life doesn’t get easier after you go through the hurdle of addiction, unfortunately. It doesn’t grant you immunity through future hurdles. You defeat one demon, but you gotta kill the rest of them too. Just this past September I was in an outpatient facility because some things happened which made me want to kill myself. I lost everything that was important to me all at once. I had to rebuild myself, once again, from the ground up, just like I did five years ago. It was humiliating. I’m still under construction. But regardless of the pitfalls, nothing is impossible. I am living proof of this.
(obviously wouldn’t still be here alive and posting this if it weren’t for my real-life gurlz and my tumblr buddies. you give me something to believe in on days where I just want to give up. thank you all so much!)